The Crush

I thought today's blog was appropriate given the irony of the situation. It is a repost of an original piece I wrote on July 21, 1999. It was originally posted on the Hullabaloo Raves Message Board which now resides at http://www.hulla.info While the three page discussion no longer exists on the current incarnation of the Hullabaloo message board, I have posted its three pages at the following links so you can follow the discussion and gain context for the discourse which ensued. Please assume that none of the links on the following pages are current or functional. At the time, I was a 23 year-old raver, stuck in a go-nowhere relationship. For reasons I may discuss at a later date, friends called christened me "pErMAsKeTcH." Partly because I was older than the average Hullabaloo raver, partly because of my highly introspective expositions, and partly because of how prolific these writings were, I was held in reasonably high esteem by almost all of the Hullabaloo community; I was, by all accounts, a celebrity philosopher in the eyes of many of its members:

Crushes, Love, and Relationships: Page 1
Crushes, Love, and Relationships: Page 2
Crushes, Love, and Relationships: Page 3

The irony is that I took the leap of faith I wrote about in the original post. And it led to the best years of my life. It led to years of living a charmed life that I thought was too good to be true. And perhaps it was. For when it ended, the situation wasn't the same; for when it ended, I was completely in love with my wife; for when it ended, we had brought into the world--and into a broken family--a beautiful daughter, Kaitlain Rita Lai Yee Cheung.

And thus begins my original post, dated July 21, 1999:

Here's something that I've come to recognize, at least in my situation, over the years (since I'm sooooo old).

People do tend to over-analyze, or at least spend a lot of time thinking or imagining when they're in a relationship--especially at the beginning stages of a relationship.

But that doesn't make it wrong.

I find that sometimes it's this thinking intensely to yourself, bathing yourself in the emotion which is so powerful then, and cherishing the thoughts and feelings, because as the relationship progresses (if it does), things will never be the same.

Special, emotional. But this special prelogue has its own special feeling, when your feelings are usually still to be revealed to the other person, or when you're thinking of a good time, or how to say it...

Then there's a crucial point in your developing relationship.

The point when you decide that you want to make your feelings known.

When you don't think that the other person would be scared away, and trying to muster the courage to tell them, trying to ignore the very real possibility of rejection....

This is often one of the times it seems that your feelings are most intense--and most private-- because you're never before more certain of how you feel.

You feel tingles in your arms and fingers and your heart races--as much from anxiety and nervousness as from excitement and exhilaration.

I'm sure a lot of people have said what they wanted to say to nobody before this point. And take a mental snapshot of how you're feeling.

Trust me.

Because once you get the courage and admit your most inner--most private--most passionate feelings to the other person, things change.

You've just admitted things to yourself.

Past the point of no return, not only have you admitted unrecoverably and embarrassingly your strong feelings for someone, but you've unknowingly admitted them to yourself, possibly for the first time.

You notice that while you still share feelings for this person, that they've changed a little in their quality, now that you've admitted it both to them and yourself.....

I've found that the most intense, special feelings you have are the times just leading up to that.... The feelings definitely change after that.

Not necessarily better. Not necessarily worse.

But you know what I mean.

Different.

Not so "special" anymore, because it's not your little secret crush anymore.

I'm telling you this because I'm experiencing this for the first time in over three years.

Those of you who know me, know that I'm quite a bit older than the average age of most of us Hullaboarders. And those of you who know me also know that I lived with my last girlfriend for over a year, in our own house.

But things, we both new, weren't quite right.

We always got along.

We never fought, ever

And we were always able to function as a couple.

Sure, we cared about each other. Sure, it was the most secure feeling in the world to know that you could just walk home, and waiting for you would be someone who cares for you--who could listen unconditionally to your concerns and your fears. Someone who could make it all better, just by being there.

But the relationship, as time progressed, evidently began missing the vital sparks that make it worth while. The butterflies in the stomach and heart flutters had long since subsided. This is what it is like to be married....

Oh, don't get me wrong. Marriage is a long-standing and respectable institution. But even at my age (at the time I wrote this, I was 23; I have since married; and I have since separated), I'm not ready. Perhaps at one time I thought I was. But I realized as time goes on, perhaps we care about each other, and perhaps we get along--two components of a marriage that many couples don't seem to have--and it was unfortuante. But could we truly say that we still loved each other?

In fact, it was difficult to admit, but over time, it became difficult even to say it to each other.

And we realized that we hardly shared any common interests or common ground. I'm not ready to give up partying, and she's not really into raving (she's even older than me). I'm not ready to commit, especially when her ambitions are so different to mine. I am on the verge of completing my honours degree in biotechnology (I have since completed it, and also completed my Masters degree), and want to pursue a career in research, and eventually business. I could not reconcile with a simple desire to become a receptionist or a secretary.

I found it increasingly difficult to relate, and by the time I reached my current academic position, it's even impossible to explain things that troubled me about my thesis, or indeed what my thesis was about. Not being able to party with her, not being able to share my academic career (my life) with her, nor any of my hobbies or ambitions made me question whether we were stuck in this relationship because ending a three-year cohabitating relationship is somewhat akin to the violent amputation of [insert name of any appropriate body part here].

Regardless of whether there were sparks or or whether there was true love or not, it still hurts, because it's so much intermingled with your life that you can't conceive of life without her--even if it wasn't the most exciting part of your life.

And then you stall at this point. Perhaps for days, perhaps weeks..months... Sometimes it takes a catalyst to help you make the final plunge. You know that no matter how many times you think it over. You know no matter how supportive your friends and relatives are and will be, that there will still be long, lonely nights ahead, crying yourself to sleep, if you can even. (I'd like to take the opportunity at this point to say that it is *really* easy to fall into a drug trap here.... DON'T! ps. same with rebound )

Perhaps there has been a relationship germinating all along, and you never realized it.

Perhaps there is a relationship waiting to be conceived. In either case, sometimes another special someone that you've known and tried to suppress feelings for for the longest time reveals their deep, dark secret--they have feelings for you, too.

And no matter how promising the prospect of this relationship is--no--it does not make the separation that you know is coming--is necessarily coming--any easier.

But you have new-found confidence and drive to make the right decision. You know that you've been stagnating in a relationship that wasn't meant to be. Just because nothing catalyzed its disintegration before this point does not mean it was meant to be. You tell yourself this over..and over.... and you wish if only you could believe it.... if only you could truly believe that ripping off your right arm was worth the risk of this new venture.

Who knows? Of course, there's no way of knowing... But you decide to take the chance. your number one fear of being alone--not having been truly alone for three years--shows its pain on your face.

But with your new-found confidence and empowerment given by the prospect of a promising new relationship, you turn away, stop watching your old past float away, and set out to experience feelings and perhaps even express your feelinngs in ways all but forgotten...for three years...

There are only two alternatives. Status quo, or brave new world. My one most important hope of my life is that I choose the path that leads me back to happiness I once knew, and not to an emotional rollercoaster of loneliness, despair, despondence.......

Swiffer Vows

How could she look me in the eyes to say her wedding vows and less than a year later sweep them aside with less effort than a Swiffer?

--- Added July 6, 2006 10:45pm AUDIO FOR THIS SECTION COMING SOON ---
And what a disgrace this new Swiffer Sweeper that contains a disposable cardboard with a sticky surface that you discard after it has collected all the particulate matter that it can? Hasn't anyone ever heard of a carpet sweeper? They work better than this Swiffer product, come for free with some Bessel carpet steam cleaners (and are cheap otherwise), and actually with the brushes that rotate in opposite directions, are almost as efficient as a full upright or canister vacuum with rotating bristles. They pick up pet hair, small particulate matter, dust, and even larger objects. There are no parts to throw away--you simply empty the dust pan portion of the floor sweeper and use the included comb to remove the pet hair from the brushes and away you go!

Swiffer has got to be the biggest scam in marketing. I majored in Marketing Research and Strategic Marketing Analytics during my masters and although I am not using my MBA degree right now, I do know enough that products like the Mach3, Fusion, Shick Quattro, all Swiffer products, are based on a "planned obsolescence" business model; that is, Gilette could easily make a razor that lasts several years, but then who would buy the super-expensive Mach3 or Fusion blades, which is where the recurring revenues come from? So, the blades are engineered to last a lot shorter than they could. What these consumer product companies tout as better products, closer shaves, cleaner rooms, etc., are actually directives from product managers and marketing managers to instruct engineers to find ways for these products to last an "average" time that people are used to changing their shaver blades, an average amount of dust and particulate matter consumers want to be able to pick up before spending more money (I count using up a new disposable as spending in this case--no, I won't get into accounting and revenue or expediture recognition) and try to engineer their products to bring in a steady income stream based on recurring sales of razor blades, Swiffer dusters, sweepers, wipes, and whatever other products you notice using the same business model--planned obsolescence.

This is in stark contrast to what MSN Messenger (now Windows Live Messenger) and ICQ have done; they actually required users to change chat client software to support new features that were no longer backwardly compatible with the old MSN and ICQ networks; of course, a simple check could be done to see if an older version of MSN or ICQ (they were much faster, used less memory, and got the job done), but that would add a lot of overhead and double the coding required. This is not planned obsolescence strictly speaking (although the new veresions do display advertisements that I cannot figure out how to turn off completely--I can get them not to display, but the space used by the ads is still there. And it's not that I'm bothered by the ads--I know I have no money to buy whatever the ads are promoting, but it is a reality that as technology improves, sometimes new technologies are impractical or unfeasible to support the old. Again, this is not planned obsolescence.

By the way, I shave in the shower, using soap and extremely quick strokes. I get the same close shave as a new Mach3 or Fusion (I was given a Fusion 5-blade as a gift), from a blade I changed over a year ago as I do from a brand new Mach3 blade. Maybe Gilette will realize that some people who don't grow facial hair too quickly aren't buying replacement blades and engineer new Mach3 shaving blades to wear down even faster than they used to.

Interestingly enough, I'm just curious, but of you using Mach3, Fusion 5-blade, Schick Quattro 4-blade, Venus 3-blade, how often do you change your blades, and is it because your blade does not shave as close as it used to, it seems to cause tears that bleed in the skin, it feels less sharp when new blades are used, or what? I'm curious. I last changed my Mach3 blade last summer and it's still performing just as well as it was last summer, and I have no plans to change blades for maybe another year.

Could it also be the way I shave? I was never taught the proper way to shave; my father dry shaves, uses the cheapest single-blade disposable he can find (or his electric shaver--I actually have a Philipps electric too for emergencies, but I find it takes a long time and doesn't shave nearly as close as my manual razor). So, until I hear otherwise, I use soap on my face (deodorant soaps, such as Zest, Irish Spring, etc.) and I use an upstroke against the hair growth line (I know people say it causes ingrown hairs and such but I have never yet cut myself or had an ingrown hair in all the years I've been shaving since high school over a decade ago). My strokes generally last less than half a second each, using gentle pressure, and then I wash off the stubble and the soap I used to lubricate. I've been shaving this way since I can remember (since one of my ex-girlfriends told me guys do shave in the shower), so I don't spend any money on shaving gel or aftershave either. I cut myself shaving no more than once a year, and I complete shaving my entire facial hair in less than a minute.

Why don't more people do it this way? Is it that people just got into the habit having been taught a certain way? Is it that people think shaving slower gives better results? Is it that people think that shaving with the hair growth rather than against it is safer or yields better results? I mean I don't get a five o'clock shadow until I'm already in bed for the night.

Maybe I should re-record the voice narration for this blog, since it's turned into a lot longer post than I'd originally intended.

If you have a good razor, try using it for a year, using soap as a lubricant, light pressure, and very quick strokes (perhaps chin to sideburns takes 1/6 to 1/8 of a second), the moustache is even faster--whole moustache area I complete in about 1.5 seconds, again using up-strokes.

As long as your blade does not slice sideways through your skin, or you don't shave over a pimple or a large mole, you should have just as close a shave, no bleeding ever, and save valuable time--30 seconds is generally long enough to do a complete shave, including moustache, beard from chins to sideburns, the area below and behind the ear, and the stray hairs on the middle throat.

Try it and please let me know your results! I'm eager to find out other people's usual method of shaving (since I was never taught it), and your experiences with my method that evolved over time. Since I now have a Mach 3 with 3 extra blades, and a Fusion 5-blade with 3 extra blades, I do not anticipate having to buy replacement razor blades for either of my razors for several years.

Incidentally, I think I found the Mach 3 more comfortable to shave with. It might have been the specific Fusion 5-blade razor head that I got, but I don't think so. I think Gilette found the optimal number of blades at 3 and should probably stop before we get 8,192-blade razors. The Shick Quattro is not bad but I've never used it long enough to wear it out. I do like how the blades flex, though; however, since I'm not aware of any replacement razor heads for Schick Quattro, the price becomes an issue since you must throw away each razor and buy a new one (or a multi-pack). On the other hand, like I said, razors tend to last far longer than their planned obsolescence lifetime I'm sure.

In case you're wondering, yes, I did just take a shower, and yes, I did just shave.

ps. Because of how fast I shave (~30 seconds for both sides, beard, moustache, chin, behind the ear, stray hairs on the cheek, and stray hairs on the throat), I find the powered versions completely worthless and simply a waste of money. I would never buy a Gilette Fusion again. I'll stick to Mach 3, as long as they're still making replacement razors when I need to buy one again :)

If enough people are interested, maybe I can make a video clip of how I shave in 30 seconds, no cuts, no missed spots, and most importantly, if you use aftershave, you definitely won't burn. I can't believe I told my father about this years ago, and might even have given him a Mach 3, but I still think he dry shaves--no shaving cream, no aftershave, no soap, no water.

Last point--I'm terribly interested in learning how to shave with a straight-edge blade. You know, the ones that the barbers use that expose a single sharp blade. Every time I try, I get nothing shaved--and I tried against and with the direction of growth. Is there some trick that I'm missing?

Well, hope to hear from you soon! Please write back with your comments about planned obsolescence and shaving. This post was originally about an an arrangement I had made with my ex-wife, who refused to honour it later, after she knows it's a nine-hour drive (I no longer have a car, and since she lives in the countryside on the Niagara Escarpment, I have no public transportation to get there either, not to mention no money).

For those of you who read this far down, my daughter, Kaitlain Rita Lai Yee Cheung (Half Pure Chinese, Half Pure Irish Newfoundlander) turns three years old today. And even though her mother took her out of town so I can't see her on her birthday or even talk to her to wish her a happy birthday, ... Well, ok, I won't go on any longer; I got appointments to keep...

I hope you keep coming back; most of my ramblings aren't so stream of consciousness--most of them have depth, insightfulness, and should be intuitive and taken for granted if I've done it right (since you take it for granted, you don't think about it--thus you don't really know it)

"The Truth About Truisms" or "How to live your life--happily."

A recent conversation with a close relative of mine made me try and remember something I had posted about life in the Hullabaloo message board back in 1999. It was about living life and the psychological barriers we put up.

As I had alluded in my previous blog, we often take the obvious things in life for granted. We take them for granted and never give them a second thought--or often even a first. I believe this is why the psychological barriers we put up are often more effective than concrete at preventing us from achieving what we would like to.

Here's an example; you can live life however you want to. Most of us read the sentence, nod our heads in agreement, and file it away as something obviously true that we already knew.

But there's much more to it than that.

We really can live our lives how we want to. We think, "I can't run outside naked ranting and raving!" Well, can you?

Another truism--of course you can. Will you? Probably not. Some psychological barrier prevents most of us from doing it. But if we really wanted to, why should we not?

Many of us spend our lives with many unnecessary incongruities between what we truly want and what we are willing to do. How can we claim to truly want to go for a brisk walk every day when we aren't willing to go outside in the winter? How can we claim to want to be a doctor or a lawyer or an engineer when we don't want to do the schooling that goes with it?

The simple answer? We can't.

When we decide that we want something, let's not stop thinking about it then and there. When we decide that we want something, let's evaluate what it means to want it--everything that goes with it--and then truly decide whether it is what we want or not. If we want to be true to ourselves, and if we want to live the lives we truly want to, we will either decide that we really don't want to go out for walks in the cold (and therefore don't really want to go for walks every day) or we don't really want to dissect cadavers or deal with coughs and colds all day, every day (and therefore don't really want to be doctors).

There really is only one answer to the question, "Do you want to live your life how you want?"
And if you decided that it was too cold to go for a walk today, you really did live your life how you wanted it--warm and lazy.

You didn't really want to get that exercise, did you?


-=-=-=-

But wait--it gets better!

We're not all at stages in our lives when we are deciding whether to be doctors or lawyers--or even whether we want to take up daily walks for exercise.

Sometimes we are where we are. And sometimes we're not happy about it. Some of us downright hate our jobs, or our present situations while bemoaning the "fact" that we can't change them.

Well, maybe we aren't willing to make drastic changes because of the ramifications. Let's take an exemplar from the popular television sitcom, Scrubs. One of the characters, the hospital janitor, insecure with his position, often acts out a self-deprecating hyperbole towards JD. He may hate picking up garbage others carelessly leave around. He may dread scrubbing grimy toilets. He may resent JD for being "better than him."

But realize it or not, he is living his life of choice. And if he doesn't want to do what it takes to make his life what it is, he will continue to be a janitor. So if the situation is not going to change, why hate it? Why go through life hating every moment when there are so precious few moments to live? He knows he has to pick up garbage. He can choose to be happy picking up garbage, or he can choose to spend the same time being unhappy. He can choose to celebrate life cleaning grimy toilets, or he can be miserable during that time. He can spend his life resenting others, or he can enjoy what he does have in life.

The truth about truisms is that we truly choose how we feel and what we want in life. It's a hierarchical relationship.

If you want to be a janitor, you must also want everything about being a janitor, from training, through routine duties, to exceptionally messy bed-pan spills. And while you reconcile within, you can choose to live your life happy. Or you can choose to live it miserably. There is no concrete barrier preventing you from being happy cleaning toilets. There are no chains holding you from smiling while sweeping the floors.

So the truth is, if you want to be happy in life. Be happy. When we want to be happy, but find that we're not--that's when we're not being true to ourselves. Realize there's nobody holding a gun to your head and forcing you not to be happy with your life.

And this is your life, dammit! You can be happy whenever--and wherever--you want.

During this Lenten season... (audio version)

During this Lenten season...

During Lent, the forty-day season preceding Easter, the theme of each day is soul-searching and submission--for reflection and repentence. It is a time for abstinence and prayer.

I was reminded that we are now in the Lenten season today when I heard on the radio news that Vatican officials have admitted Pope John Paul II to the hospital for a relapse of the flu.

For Pope John Paul II, that he may have a speedy and complete recovery to health, we pray.

• Lord Hear Our Prayer

For all the sick and injured around the world, that they may have a speedy recovery to good health, we pray.

• Lord Hear Our Prayer

For the sinners in us all, that we may find salvation through penance and abstinence in this time of Lent, we pray.

• Lord Hear Our Prayer

Today is what many people would call a "cool and crisp, yet beautifully sunny winter day." I understand what it means. I agree that is how most people would report the day's condition, and I know that is what the day is; yet, I somehow don't feel it inside me. I don't believe it.

So what do I feel about this so-called beautiful day?

Nothing. Numbness. Emptiness. Bleak, even. Day 55 of the Julian calendar.

Lord, Hear My Prayer.

-=-=-=-=-

Last night, I reconnected with an old friend from the old Fidonet BBS days--from the International TEEN Echo. We were close once, and it was almost like going back to the early- to mid-1990s the way we hit it off again. I visited her once in Jacksonville, FL when I was in Atlanta, GA volunteering at Comdex for Team OS/2. She reminded me that imperfections are what make us human. We've all heard it before; "...gives it character," or "You are what you eat," or "To err is human...." They're not new aphorisms. But they are truisms.

We often take for granted these simple truths in life. We think we know them so well, we never give them a second thought. But have we ever even given the first thought a fair shake?

That's food for thought, isn't it? Many of these truisms we take for granted were just sayings we heard, accepted as true, and never bothered to think them through. Why are they true? Are they always true? It's profound. For many of you who try this, I am sure you will reach a state of being akin to being reborn--reborn into the world with your eyes wide open; reborn into the world with a higher state of consciousness.

They are often the most simple truths in life that we take for granted. That we take them for granted, by definition, means we never thought about them--never tested them. And that, by definition, means we don't know them.

Cullinan I: The Star of Africa (audio version)

Cullinan I: The Star of Africa

I read something today I really wish I hadn't. I didn't mean to; I was just strolling through the old message boards looking for old friends. What I didn't expect to see was my ex-wife (or, more properly, wife; we're not divorced) extolling the virtues of her new boyfriend. (But we did those things together, too...)

I staggered two virtual steps backwards and fell off the virtual cliff.

I guess it's because when you're the dumpee, you don't want to see the dumper having the time of their life--with someone else. With him. Notwithstanding the fact that we're both Catholic, and notwithstanding the fact that divorce is against our religion, she flaunts her new relationship as if it were the Star of Africa. (But we did those things together, too...)

Had I known what was in store less than a year after our fairy-tale wedding, I would never have wanted to bring our daughter into this broken family. I grew up in one. How could I curse my own blood with one?

But we did those things together, too.

My blog is born... (audio version)

My blog is born...

My cousin "Eve" in Montréal, a seasoned blogger, introduced me to this site. I've always wanted to leave behind some sort of legacy for my daughter when she grows older, that she might know more of her father, since we don't live together--that she might know more of the world into which she was born.

But since this is my first entry, I suppose I'd better give some context to my musings. So I apologize if this first post is rather lengthy and personal, but--hey, you don't have to read it!

My name is Robin L. M. Cheung. I was born in Alexandria, Ontario, Canada--a small hick town halfway between Ottawa (Canada's Capital) and Montréal, Québec. With a population of just over 2,000, my family were the only four Chinese members of the community. Being a farming town, my father, one of the four town physicians, led a busy life looking after not only the 2,000 town residents, but all the surrounding area residents.

I have a sister, 13 months younger, and a half-brother whom I have not seen since he was born in the late 1980s.

In 1985, my family moved the short hop to Ottawa. What shocked me the most, I guess, was that we were moving from one family home in Alexandria to two separate homes in Ottawa; my parents had legally separated years before and only now revealed it to my sister and me. Before I had a chance to deal with this shock, I realized also that my grade four education from Laggan Public School, about 15 minutes outside of Alexandria in Dalkeith, was not equivalent to the "big city" grade four. Still, I was placed in the enrichment program. When I went to high school, Lisgar Collegiate Institute, I was placed in the gifted program, to which I attibute much of my social ineptitude.

Having graduated from Lisgar, I commenced studies at Carleton University in Biology and Biotechnology. During this time, my life as a raver, DJ, and skydiver took over most of my life and my studies fell to the wayside, unfortunately. By some stroke of luck, I managed to graduate with a Bachelor of Science, Honours, in Biology and Biotechnology. By yet another stroke of luck, I was admitted to McMaster University's Master of Business Administration (MBA) program. I had only applied to McMaster because my sweetheart and later wife (and still later, ex-wife) and soul mate lived near Hamilton and I wanted to be near her always. We first met when I Ashley was 16 and I was 23 and fell in love immediately.

Completing my MBA, Ashley and I moved to Toronto where I worked as a Performance Measurement Consultant at CIBC head office.

November 17, 2002, I married my sweetheart and soul mate, Ashley, and later, July 6, 2003, our daughter was born. She was named Kaitlain Rita Lai Yee Cheung. Ashley and I chose the name Kaitlain because it was as pretty as she was. Lai Yee was chosen as her Chinese name by my father's mother--by then my sole surviving grandmother. I had been extremely close to my maternal grandmother, Rita Cheng, and always knew her to be a fighter, but she passed away in May 2003. She had only seen ultrasound pictures of her great-granddaughter. In her honour, my daughter's Catholic Saint's name became Rita.

Because I wanted to become a teacher, we moved to Ottawa and I began studies again. But the honeymoon was short-lived and September 12, 2003, Ashley returned with our baby to her parents' house in Smithville, Ontario. My heart was broken.

And thus began the rest of my life....